Vicious Cycle.

Story of my life.... I just don't understand. You think you know a person. You think you have them all figured out. Then they go and do something stupid. Why do I keep letting these idiots into my life??? What's so special about them that they deserve my time or energy??? Yet, I waste so much on them. Knowing they aren't worth it and there are plenty more useful things I can do with that time and energy.... And maybe that's what irritates me and bothers me the most... That I let them weasel their way into my life and set up camp there. And I simply stand by and serve refreshments as they rip my life apart piece by piece. I wish I could say I'm done with that way of life and I won't take it anymore.... But the truth is, I know I won't I'll take it, and I'll take it with a smile. Because that's what I do. I try to make everyone else happy and think about myself last. Now normally, this would be considered an excellent quality to have. But with me it's a flaw, a curse. I know. Stupid. I want so badly to tell everyone I don't like to leave me alone and not talk to me again, but I just can't. I want people to like me. That's my problem. My fear of people not liking me and causing drama is stronger than my fear of being unhappy. But the worst and strongest fear that I have is the fear of change. Which feeds my fear of people not liking me. Because if for some reason someone leaves me because they don't like me or even if there isn't a reason, I freak. Especially if I was comfortable having that person around. Now if the change is at my hand and in my control, then it's a little easier to deal with and I can handle it if I know it's what I want. I wish my subconscious would communicate with my regular conscious so I could know what I truly wanted.... But then life would be easy and I would learn nothing. Gosh. But thank G-d for great friends!!! I would be lost without them. They have helped mold my character and guide me to where I'm supposed to be. They make me want to be a better person and that's exactly what friends should be... Not the kind that just gossip and go to the mall. But the kind that we connect with on not just a social, but also a spiritual and emotional level. No one should be without friends like that. Not even the people in my life that make me miserable and unhappy sometimes. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to please everyone all the time.... Because I want to be that friend to anyone who will have me... And because of that I get rejected sometimes. But that's ok. Life's about living and learning and loving... I won't let petty things and people stand in my way of enjoying every single minute that I have on G-d's green Earth. Starting now.... :D