just don't do it... lol.

I've been so... BLAH! these past few days. I think it's because I've been away from work... I know what you're thinking. [Vacation is a good thing! What's wrong with you?!?] I'd have to laugh and agree. However, a vacation where nothing is planned and it wasn't expected so you couldn't plan anything can be a little irritating. I've accomplished nothing this past week. Unless you count going to the beach accomplishing something, in which case I accomplished something twice. Lol.

I've decided that I need to be listening to more positive music and less negative music. Positive doesn't necessarily just Christian music, although that would be the bulk of it. But just calming, up-beat kinda stuff. Like Kenny G, David Ryan Harris, and anything 80's. Lol. Like Journey and Hootie & th Blowfish and stuff like that. I figure doing this will boost my morale and hopefully improve my general mood.

There are alot of decisions that I have to make within the near future. Like where I'm going in life... Who I'm going to (or not going to)marry.... Where I'm going to live... Career choice.... You know, little things. Lol. I'm working it all out, but I'm not rushing. None of those decisions can be made rushed. That's what I'm trying to explain to a few certain people, but some of them just don't get it. And that's one of my pet peeves... DO NOT EVER RUSH ME. Just don't do it. It's for your safety and the safety of those around you, seriously. Just say no. Lol.

Well I guess that's all for now. Overall today was an okay day. David and I are working on getting the "He Is" video on YouTube. It's a little difficult because it was recorded onto a video and we don't have the software or cable to do it... We'll see how that works out.... =]

Let Go & Let God!

So I get that I'm not where I'm supposed to be... I get that I need to let go and let God.... I'm just not sure quite how I need to execute that. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Or maybe I'm trying to move in so many directions at one time that I'm really not going anywhere.... That's probably it. I'm going to do my best to just chill out and let it happen. Because that's the only way I'm going to be able to get anything accomplished, is by handing it over to Him. I know it's time for a new season in my life. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of living this life. I want more. The only question is, how far will I fall and how far will I go before I completely surrender? Hopefully not too far.... I just know that I'm getting sick of this. Literally sick. But I have faith. And I was thinking about this the other day. Some people say that when you are angry or depressed and you still lift your hands and praise God, even though you don't mean it whole-heartedly, it's hypocritical. But that could not be farther from the truth. I'm reminded of a song that we sing in church sometimes, "I never lost me hope. I never lost my joy. I never lost my faith. But most of all, I never lost my praise." I think that if I had done what I felt like doing and not even showed up for church that I would've been alot worse off. Atleast I cared enough about it to try, even when I didn't feel anything or like I was making a difference. It taught me to praise thru everything, no matter what... So I guess that's what I'll do now. I hope I find myself thru this.

From Yesterday...

Sunday was just awesome. What a service. I haven't seen something like that happen at our church in a while... only one word to describe it- liberating. I haven't felt that happy and just genuinely hopeful in a long time. It was amazing. :D

I think I've forgotten how to feel certain things... I remember back when I was 6 or 7 and I felt... I guess you could call it "innocent". I feel like that world was so much bigger and so much better than the one I'm living in now is... But I'm trying to learn how to "feel" again. I feel like life is passing me by. Like I'm not living it to its full potential. Like I'm wasting it. Which sucks. Because it's not just like I'm thinking this, I'm literally feeling it. It's kinda hard to explain. It's like there's a whole different side of me that I haven't tapped into yet... It's weird. You'd think I would've figured all this out by now... Oh well. Atleast I've realized there's a problem. I mean, that's the first step to resolvement right? I hope so. I just feel like only a fragment of me is present at any given time. Although I'm not necessarily sad or anything like that.... Just not "whole" or "complete"... I'll figure it all out eventually. I always do. Lol. My timing isn't always perfect, but hey, atleast I get the job done.

Vicious Cycle.

Story of my life.... I just don't understand. You think you know a person. You think you have them all figured out. Then they go and do something stupid. Why do I keep letting these idiots into my life??? What's so special about them that they deserve my time or energy??? Yet, I waste so much on them. Knowing they aren't worth it and there are plenty more useful things I can do with that time and energy.... And maybe that's what irritates me and bothers me the most... That I let them weasel their way into my life and set up camp there. And I simply stand by and serve refreshments as they rip my life apart piece by piece. I wish I could say I'm done with that way of life and I won't take it anymore.... But the truth is, I know I won't I'll take it, and I'll take it with a smile. Because that's what I do. I try to make everyone else happy and think about myself last. Now normally, this would be considered an excellent quality to have. But with me it's a flaw, a curse. I know. Stupid. I want so badly to tell everyone I don't like to leave me alone and not talk to me again, but I just can't. I want people to like me. That's my problem. My fear of people not liking me and causing drama is stronger than my fear of being unhappy. But the worst and strongest fear that I have is the fear of change. Which feeds my fear of people not liking me. Because if for some reason someone leaves me because they don't like me or even if there isn't a reason, I freak. Especially if I was comfortable having that person around. Now if the change is at my hand and in my control, then it's a little easier to deal with and I can handle it if I know it's what I want. I wish my subconscious would communicate with my regular conscious so I could know what I truly wanted.... But then life would be easy and I would learn nothing. Gosh. But thank G-d for great friends!!! I would be lost without them. They have helped mold my character and guide me to where I'm supposed to be. They make me want to be a better person and that's exactly what friends should be... Not the kind that just gossip and go to the mall. But the kind that we connect with on not just a social, but also a spiritual and emotional level. No one should be without friends like that. Not even the people in my life that make me miserable and unhappy sometimes. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to please everyone all the time.... Because I want to be that friend to anyone who will have me... And because of that I get rejected sometimes. But that's ok. Life's about living and learning and loving... I won't let petty things and people stand in my way of enjoying every single minute that I have on G-d's green Earth. Starting now.... :D

I'm an aunt!!!! =]

So I've recently become an aunt.... Mybig sister had a boy. He's beautiful. This whole day really got me thinking.... Who do I want to make babies with? And no. I'm not talkin about some random guy I might want to have sex with. I'm talkin about a real relationship. Like what my big sister has. It's hard to think that the guy I'm with now might not be the right one I should spend the rest of my life with. Because I love him so much. He's all I've ever known. Then that got me to thinking, do I even know what real, true love is? I'd like to think that what we have is "true love". But the fact of the matter is that's probably not the case. He's hot-tempered and holds some major grudges. I always say he acts like the girl in the relationship and I never get to be the girl. Which is true, but I don't think anyone should have to put up with his mood swings. When things are good, they're GREAT. But when they're bad, you'd think the world was coming to an end. I don't think he can see the big picture at all. I know I can't, but I think that my world(picture) is alot bigger than his. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's terribly frustrating.... I feel like I can't breath, and I'm super stressed out all the time. And I have to throw on this fake smile and fake personality just so I don't have to explain myself to everyone who asks why I'm not in a good mood.... Im tired of feeling like crap... No, lower than crap. Like some type of wild rabid animal that needs to be tamed. I feel numb to everything and nothing at the same time. Like.... I can't feel the good things as deeply as I feel the bad. And the good things aren't good enough to make me want to forget about or put up with the bad. I don't know... I feel like I'm going no where and doing nothing. And that is a very dangerous place to be when you're 20. I hope I can figure this all out. I hope I don't explode. I hope I don't lose any friends over this, but I'm sure I will. I want change. I want to feel again. But I'm not sure I'm ready for change. But that's what I really need right now in my life....

It's so interesting how if the wrong person says the wrong thing at the wrong time, it can completely change your mood and possibly ruin your day. Even if everything was average or maybe a little above before hand.... That one thing can ruin your day... Then you take it out on someone who gets mad and takes it out on someone else who gets mad and takes it out on someone else and so on and so forth... Geez. Then everyone has a crappy day. All because the wrong person said the wrong thing at the wrong time... I need an epiphany. A life altering one. A kick start to the thing that drives me to "greener pastures".... Hopefully I get it soon. Because I feel so dead... and numb... and callased right now....

Define Your Dash.

Soooooo... this is officially my first blog ever... good stuff. Just wanted to get the ball rolling. I'm going to be using this space to vent and share my opinions... Might even throw in some poetry and quotes. Either way, the point of the story is, this crazy thing called life will end one day. The only thing that will be left is a head stone on your grave. It will might have some pretty engravings and a maybe a message saying something about you personally. But everyone will have the year they were born, a dash, and the year they left this Earth. So my personal challenge to myself and the rest of the world is: DEFINE YOUR DASH! Make your dash count for something. Don't waste your dash on being unhappy or on people that bring you down or on things that don't really matter... Live you dash to the fullest, so when you meet the Big Man you can say I accomplished something and made a difference with my dash. That's my goal.