I'm an aunt!!!! =]

So I've recently become an aunt.... Mybig sister had a boy. He's beautiful. This whole day really got me thinking.... Who do I want to make babies with? And no. I'm not talkin about some random guy I might want to have sex with. I'm talkin about a real relationship. Like what my big sister has. It's hard to think that the guy I'm with now might not be the right one I should spend the rest of my life with. Because I love him so much. He's all I've ever known. Then that got me to thinking, do I even know what real, true love is? I'd like to think that what we have is "true love". But the fact of the matter is that's probably not the case. He's hot-tempered and holds some major grudges. I always say he acts like the girl in the relationship and I never get to be the girl. Which is true, but I don't think anyone should have to put up with his mood swings. When things are good, they're GREAT. But when they're bad, you'd think the world was coming to an end. I don't think he can see the big picture at all. I know I can't, but I think that my world(picture) is alot bigger than his. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's terribly frustrating.... I feel like I can't breath, and I'm super stressed out all the time. And I have to throw on this fake smile and fake personality just so I don't have to explain myself to everyone who asks why I'm not in a good mood.... Im tired of feeling like crap... No, lower than crap. Like some type of wild rabid animal that needs to be tamed. I feel numb to everything and nothing at the same time. Like.... I can't feel the good things as deeply as I feel the bad. And the good things aren't good enough to make me want to forget about or put up with the bad. I don't know... I feel like I'm going no where and doing nothing. And that is a very dangerous place to be when you're 20. I hope I can figure this all out. I hope I don't explode. I hope I don't lose any friends over this, but I'm sure I will. I want change. I want to feel again. But I'm not sure I'm ready for change. But that's what I really need right now in my life....