Never Again

Put me in a box, strip away my name. Time and time again, to you its just a game. My heart is crying out, my faith is getting weak. Gimme something to hold on to, I want to believe. Why do I ask the questions, when the answers I'll never get. Why do I wait when I need to forget. Consumed by sadness, consumed by fear. Erase the doubt and dry the tears. I've wanted for so long to see your face. I can't remember the last time or even the place. It's all cutting too deep, the pain is too real. I try so hard to ignore the way this feels. Give me a sign, I need something now. I want to give in and let this down. But I never will, things have changed. I feel like an eagle, no longer caged. Set free with hope, no more being tied down. I can finally breathe, soar thru the clouds. Never underestimate the power of love. It's a precious thing, a gift from above. So if it hurts too much and you can't get away. Remember you'll always have wings, you don't have to stay.

Wow. It's been a minute...

Got the app on my iPhone so now I can do this on the go. Yeah! So instead of a boring update. Here's a rant. Lol.
Some people are so unaware of how good they have it. Don't get me wrong I know I'm that way sometimes. But overall I'd like to think I'm appreciative of everything I have and I thank God for it. It's just that lately I've been around so many negative people. Not mean people or even bad people. But sometimes being negative can be worse than both of those. It's such an unhealthy attitude to have. Yeah, maybe you don't have the best job or the newest car. But at least you have a car that runs and a decent job. Please shut up and stop complaining. I'm tired of hearing it and so is everyone else... The worst part about it is you'd think it was a teenager or someone my age. Nope. It's people that are probably old enough to be my parents acting like a bunch of high schoolers. smh. This is disappointing.
Oh well. Imma get mine. I'm happy with and thankful for everything I have. :D


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My New Life

So life's been crazy... Gotta fresh start after the end of my relationship with my ex. We're still friends and that's a great thing. I've got a new guy and he's awesome... he makes me feel like a princess. But he definitely has some trust issues [although he says he doesn't] and it's really starting to get to me.. After some recent issues in my household I started seeking a full time job so I could move in with my best friend. I thought it would be the perfect solution for my problem. I'd get outta the house before I ruined my relationships in that house and I could move in with my best friend that I've known since freshmen year of high school. And he sees that as a problem.. because he thinks we tend to get in trouble when we're together and somehow Im gonna end up cheating on him or whatever if I move in with her.... Apparently moving in with her would be an omen for our relationship. But I need to get out before I completely ruin my relationship with my mom. I'm just getting older and wanting more freedom and I still live in her house and have to abide by her rules. It's a dangerous combination that we've been ok about handling up to this point. Now it's just a stressful, tension-filled enviroment and that's not what I want at all. I think the best thing for everyone would be for me to move in with my best friend... Of course I wouldn't do this until I was financially stable and had all of my bills under control... Which means getting my debt down to less than $1000 and have enough money saved up for 2 months worth of expenses... I think it's a pretty good idea. I just hope this whole bank job thing works out. I really need it. I'm so tired of being broke all the time. We'll see how it goes. And hopefully my man will learn how to trust me... I'm not the same person I used to be... just like he's not the same person he used to be. I believe in him and have faith in him and most importantly, I trust him. I just wish he would show me the same courtesy...

just don't do it... lol.

I've been so... BLAH! these past few days. I think it's because I've been away from work... I know what you're thinking. [Vacation is a good thing! What's wrong with you?!?] I'd have to laugh and agree. However, a vacation where nothing is planned and it wasn't expected so you couldn't plan anything can be a little irritating. I've accomplished nothing this past week. Unless you count going to the beach accomplishing something, in which case I accomplished something twice. Lol.

I've decided that I need to be listening to more positive music and less negative music. Positive doesn't necessarily just Christian music, although that would be the bulk of it. But just calming, up-beat kinda stuff. Like Kenny G, David Ryan Harris, and anything 80's. Lol. Like Journey and Hootie & th Blowfish and stuff like that. I figure doing this will boost my morale and hopefully improve my general mood.

There are alot of decisions that I have to make within the near future. Like where I'm going in life... Who I'm going to (or not going to)marry.... Where I'm going to live... Career choice.... You know, little things. Lol. I'm working it all out, but I'm not rushing. None of those decisions can be made rushed. That's what I'm trying to explain to a few certain people, but some of them just don't get it. And that's one of my pet peeves... DO NOT EVER RUSH ME. Just don't do it. It's for your safety and the safety of those around you, seriously. Just say no. Lol.

Well I guess that's all for now. Overall today was an okay day. David and I are working on getting the "He Is" video on YouTube. It's a little difficult because it was recorded onto a video and we don't have the software or cable to do it... We'll see how that works out.... =]

Let Go & Let God!

So I get that I'm not where I'm supposed to be... I get that I need to let go and let God.... I'm just not sure quite how I need to execute that. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Or maybe I'm trying to move in so many directions at one time that I'm really not going anywhere.... That's probably it. I'm going to do my best to just chill out and let it happen. Because that's the only way I'm going to be able to get anything accomplished, is by handing it over to Him. I know it's time for a new season in my life. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of living this life. I want more. The only question is, how far will I fall and how far will I go before I completely surrender? Hopefully not too far.... I just know that I'm getting sick of this. Literally sick. But I have faith. And I was thinking about this the other day. Some people say that when you are angry or depressed and you still lift your hands and praise God, even though you don't mean it whole-heartedly, it's hypocritical. But that could not be farther from the truth. I'm reminded of a song that we sing in church sometimes, "I never lost me hope. I never lost my joy. I never lost my faith. But most of all, I never lost my praise." I think that if I had done what I felt like doing and not even showed up for church that I would've been alot worse off. Atleast I cared enough about it to try, even when I didn't feel anything or like I was making a difference. It taught me to praise thru everything, no matter what... So I guess that's what I'll do now. I hope I find myself thru this.

From Yesterday...

Sunday was just awesome. What a service. I haven't seen something like that happen at our church in a while... only one word to describe it- liberating. I haven't felt that happy and just genuinely hopeful in a long time. It was amazing. :D

I think I've forgotten how to feel certain things... I remember back when I was 6 or 7 and I felt... I guess you could call it "innocent". I feel like that world was so much bigger and so much better than the one I'm living in now is... But I'm trying to learn how to "feel" again. I feel like life is passing me by. Like I'm not living it to its full potential. Like I'm wasting it. Which sucks. Because it's not just like I'm thinking this, I'm literally feeling it. It's kinda hard to explain. It's like there's a whole different side of me that I haven't tapped into yet... It's weird. You'd think I would've figured all this out by now... Oh well. Atleast I've realized there's a problem. I mean, that's the first step to resolvement right? I hope so. I just feel like only a fragment of me is present at any given time. Although I'm not necessarily sad or anything like that.... Just not "whole" or "complete"... I'll figure it all out eventually. I always do. Lol. My timing isn't always perfect, but hey, atleast I get the job done.

Vicious Cycle.

Story of my life.... I just don't understand. You think you know a person. You think you have them all figured out. Then they go and do something stupid. Why do I keep letting these idiots into my life??? What's so special about them that they deserve my time or energy??? Yet, I waste so much on them. Knowing they aren't worth it and there are plenty more useful things I can do with that time and energy.... And maybe that's what irritates me and bothers me the most... That I let them weasel their way into my life and set up camp there. And I simply stand by and serve refreshments as they rip my life apart piece by piece. I wish I could say I'm done with that way of life and I won't take it anymore.... But the truth is, I know I won't I'll take it, and I'll take it with a smile. Because that's what I do. I try to make everyone else happy and think about myself last. Now normally, this would be considered an excellent quality to have. But with me it's a flaw, a curse. I know. Stupid. I want so badly to tell everyone I don't like to leave me alone and not talk to me again, but I just can't. I want people to like me. That's my problem. My fear of people not liking me and causing drama is stronger than my fear of being unhappy. But the worst and strongest fear that I have is the fear of change. Which feeds my fear of people not liking me. Because if for some reason someone leaves me because they don't like me or even if there isn't a reason, I freak. Especially if I was comfortable having that person around. Now if the change is at my hand and in my control, then it's a little easier to deal with and I can handle it if I know it's what I want. I wish my subconscious would communicate with my regular conscious so I could know what I truly wanted.... But then life would be easy and I would learn nothing. Gosh. But thank G-d for great friends!!! I would be lost without them. They have helped mold my character and guide me to where I'm supposed to be. They make me want to be a better person and that's exactly what friends should be... Not the kind that just gossip and go to the mall. But the kind that we connect with on not just a social, but also a spiritual and emotional level. No one should be without friends like that. Not even the people in my life that make me miserable and unhappy sometimes. Maybe that's why I feel like I have to please everyone all the time.... Because I want to be that friend to anyone who will have me... And because of that I get rejected sometimes. But that's ok. Life's about living and learning and loving... I won't let petty things and people stand in my way of enjoying every single minute that I have on G-d's green Earth. Starting now.... :D